A Recap of September/October
September 28:
Caleb breaks up with me, for good this time.
I check myself into rehab, again.
I don’t relapse, as much as I want to.
September 28-October 28:
Spent in rehab, with drug-addict kids.
One girl was being filmed for television.
Constantly told how wrong I’m living my life.
Go back to working my steps.
October 28:
My mom flips out, pulls me out of the rehab.
I don’t complete the program.
My stepdad does something ridiculous, yet again.
I hardly leave my room.
October 29:
My mom makes me wake up early and clean my room, do my homework.
I pretend to do both, giving her some illusion of control.
I try to hook up with some guy, and he ends up going for someone else.
I suddenly remember that men are dicks.
October 30:
My mom is insanely happy, thinking she has her daughter back.
I pretend to be happy for the rest of the world’s sake.
I’m actually ready to tear my own face off and feed it to a dingo.
I don’t tell anyone.
Except for the readers of this blog…
I would imagine that having one living, breathing person you can talk to personally… preferrably a woman…. such as a sponsor or someone you respect and can trust would be a helpful thing. Blogs have value but are insufficient as far as I have experienced.
And never forget that people do not know how to take us addicts. They often do not understand the nature of how we are. Many presumptions are often made about what we need and how we should or could be. I am referring to non-addicts. This does not make them bad, just unknowing.
For this reason, I found it essential to be in the company of others recovering. And I dont mean a whole bunch of newcomers. I am talking mature, time-tested people who have both clean time and recovery.
People who have been through the mine field and know the way. Not theorists, not academics, not theologians. I mean vetrans of the battle we are in.
And if I may suggest, there will be plenty of time for relationships later. When we are struggling for our clean time and/or sanity, we can offer and receive nothing from a relationship. We are not relationship material at this stage.
So why not try connecting with a woman in recovery who is mature in her clean time and recovery process?
Ciao.
Chaz
Chaz
November 1, 2009